Free Advice is a periodic feature. Send questions to markbialczak@gmail.com. Anonymity is assured.
My qualifications: 57 years of open eyes and ears but no stalking charges. One dear wife Karen, one terrific daughter Elisabeth and her wonderful boyfriend George, one sensational stepson Daryl, one pet Ellie B aka Dogamous Pyle and various other family members of scattered location and adjectives. Four decades of writing in public about people, places and things.
Satisfaction is the goal, but is by no means guaranteed.
Today’s query …
Here is my question/dilemma:
I think I’ve pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I will be single the rest of my life. And on some level I may even be OK with that. Having said that, I’m very interested in hearing how you would advise me.
My issue is not finding men to date (although, I haven’t even looked or pursued dating in almost 2 years – it feels too much like work!)
My issue is holding onto, or even wanting to hold onto to a long-term relationship. Maybe I’m a loner? Here are some of the issues I’ve encountered.
• Men say that they like strong, decisive women. And it does seem they are initially drawn to it, but it ends up making them feel useless. I think men actually like being Knights in Shining armour and rescuing the damsel in distress. One ex told me years after our relationship ended that he felt I didn’t need him or anyone else for that matter. What do you think? What the hell do men want??
• Also, I need alone time and time with my friends and this seems to make men question my level of commitment. Should I date deployed soldiers or traveling salesmen or something??
• And last but not least. When in a relationship, I am loyal. I am however, outgoing and often my outgoing-ness is interpreted as flirtatious. I think flirting has sexual undertones/ innuendos – I’m just very relational and comfortable talking with people and being with people and honestly, I don’t want to change that about myself. I like spending time with my significant other in social settings. I don’t want to drop off the face of the earth just because I’m in a relationship. Do I have to?
I am very interested in your male perspective on this.
OK, have fun with this one!
Eagerly waiting for your reply…
Signed, Confused
Dear Confused,
Put the rocks back in the junkyard, wash your hands at last of these past wormy dudes who crawled out from underneath them, and get back out there in some fresh dating gardens!
OK, maybe I’m not being completely fair to your past roster of boyfriends, but still …
Don’t lose that confidence that makes you a strong, independent woman. You betcha there are plenty of single men that will look at that quality and say, sign me up, let’s go through this crazy thing both being able to navigate the crap that comes at you singly and as part of a duo.
There’s your part of the equation snuck in at the end. You never have to pretend you’re a Damsel in Distress. That would be just plain dumb. There are plenty of times when the problems are real, and talking it out with somebody you trust helps. I think men want a partner they can trust to figure it out on their own when that’s what the time and place call for, but who’s willing and eager to sit down and talk it out when it seems appropriate that two heads are indeed better than one. Needy Knights, aren’t we?
Moving on to alone/friend time, I don’t see how that’s a problem, as long as it’s not 99 percent of your schedule — wait a second, that’s pretty silly — as long as it doesn’t make him feel as if you really, really like spending your time with your friends or alone way more than you like spending time with him. Now that vibe indeed could be a problem. If when you’re at the dinner date, you’re 100 percent into talking about your life and his life and not wistfully dreaming about the next group meal with the friends you had before he came around, then it’s his issue, not your’s. And do you mean to tell me that you’ve actually been with a guy who doesn’t literally jump up and sprint to play golf, or bowl, or hang out at the bar with his friends while you’re out with your friends or doing your own thing?
Finally, this flirty-wirty thing. One, don’t be using the word flirty-wirty in a social situation, ever. It leap frogs innuendo and goes straight to baby talk role playing … Sorry, I digress. My bad. Hey, if you are outgoing, I say, be yourself. Basically, all of my points of suggestion are tweaks, not changes. Because changing yourself to fit somebody else’s idea of what they want in a relationship is never going to work in the end game, anyway. So if you get the vibe from a date early on that he thinks you’re social manner with other males in a group social setting is making him uncomfortable, once you are alone, bring that up directly, ask him what’s up, tell him that’s not your intention, and see if he’s OK with you being yourself. If this little talk comforts his fears, win-win. If not, he’s not the right one, and on to another try for somebody who’s a better fit for who you are. Win-win.
Don’t give up, Confused. It’s not you. It’s been them.1as1
(From Getty Images)
This and all questions that will be used for this Free Advice feature are and will be as received by email at markbialczak@gmail.com.
Ask about anything. Please sign the letter with the name you’d like used in the post.
This writer reserves the right to choose the questions for publication depending upon the appropriateness of the subject matter.
Mark Bialczak 
Brilliant advice Mark, virtually covering all aspects one can think of on the given situation. Access to your site is thanks to Jennifer’s reblog. From all indications, she has connected me to someone very interesting…so look forward to reading more of yours and exchanging views…best wishes… Raj.
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Thanks, Raj. I’ll be following your work in return. Nice to meet you.
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Pingback: Friday Bouquet #15 | Jennifer's Journal
Wow. That letter could have been written by yours truly. What a great answer you gave, my friend. I think all the good single men live in other areas of the country. To Confused, our mission must be to find that place, and move there! 😉
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Chin up, Rachel, and keep dating!
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Maybe you can just start an advice column for the chronically single? (this letter was not from me!)
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The chronically single are welcome to write in as many anonymous letter as they want right here, and I’m not telling this to you in particular, it’s a general statement, Sheena.
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Advice to the lovelorn! I like it! And I like your response. Well done.
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Thanks, Kate. I’ll put my brain to any type of question!
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What a terrific concept for your writing life, Mark! Lots to talk about in both the question and response; Confused brought up issues that many people can relate to, and your response was thoughtful and helpful. Be yourself! It just occurred to me that there are no life coaching/advice columns written by a male. Nice job, Mark and I also like your contemplative photo!
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Thank you, Ermine. I’m hoping that this can take off with some caring and sharing. I put a lot of thought into the responses, and I think I can entertain, inform and educate, the big three in this field, if given the light of day. 🙂 Go Syracuse writers.
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Now THAT is a fun question to start with. Whew! Enjoyed reading. And I especially love your photo. Definitely looking thoughtful and wise 🙂
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Thanks, Liz. Yes, I had a meaty question on which to wrap this mind around on segment one. Looking thoughtful and wise? Just a pose? 🙂
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I think you just gave ‘Dear Abby’ a run for her money. Great responses. When you change to win someone over, you lose a bit (or more) of yourself. (I recently read that the newest trend is to look to look like you’ve lost sleep and are depressed.. The reason is, according to the story, that men want to rescue damsels in distress. BOO!)
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That’s what our letter writer mentioned her ex-beau said to her. That’s a main character flaw in today’s man if true, I think. It has to be a two-way thing.
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How old did you say you are… 5,007? The wisdom of the ages doth flow from thy mouth… or should that be fingers? Looking forward to the next installment.
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It took many bumps and bruises to get to this place of sooth, Ros. So many years of not knowing what I thought I knew, but a few short of your stated thousands. Thanks for your kind words, my friend.
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Love it, Mr. B! Much better than Abby – by far! Good advice for Confused about getting out there again and staying true to herself. What the hell do men want again? 🙂
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Men want women who stay true to themselves and are strong, independent and get out there again, Mrs. B. 🙂 Thank you very much.
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I guess her ex wanted to feel needed, and she didn’t need him, per se. I need my husband to fix things, including dinner. Some men don’t want a woman needy or clingy at all. The armor doesn’t seem to shine for very long anyway on said knights. It gets a patina to it, and you learn to like it.
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There you go, Kerbey. Life is seldom only bright and shiny.
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This is great stuff! I’m excited for your new Dear Mark series.
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Thank you, MeWhoAmI! I’m excited about it, too.
Teaser time … I just answered a sports question sent in today for Super Bowl Sunday.
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Interesting. I’ll have to check it out.
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Mark is the all-knowing! I am a strong, single woman and love being independent. I think there are absolutely men that respect strong women. If the woman seeking the advice yet hasn’t met one then be patient 🙂
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You got that right, Christy. Men like that trait. 🙂
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Aw! I hope you are having a good day, Mark 🙂
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I am, sort of. I hope you are totally, Christy!
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I appreciate your efficiency in answering this Mark. I’ve given up on ever thinking I can provide advice….I am too wishy washy in the ability to do so. 🙂 So now I know where to go when I need it! 😉
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I busted my brain thinking it out, MDB Colleen. I now have more wrinkles. 🙂 I’m here when you need me. 🙂
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Well, that’s good exercise then. Because now that you’ve shown you have the muscle, people will send in those questions. 😉
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I hope so. Little by little, exposure will grow, I hope. A Freshly Pressed would have been nice. 🙂
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It would be VERY nice to have MBM FRESHLY PRESSED. I wonder if the FRESHLY PRESSED gods get notices if FRESHLY PRESSED is typed often enough?
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I wonder if Freshly Pressed might show up on their SEO radar if they indeed look at such things, MDB Colleen?
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I, of course, would be clueless. Maybe we should volunteer to help them find some FP worthy posts. 🙂
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I want that job. 🙂 Paid.
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Why not contact some Happiness Engineers and look in to some PT work???? Who knows….. 🙂
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I sent a resume to Automattic and got no reply.
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What! Boo. Send another!!! Smother them with persistence!
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I am smiling, since I have a lot of interesting conversations with ‘attached’ men at work, I smile and act interested. I always hope ‘for the best’ that they don’t misinterpret my caring about their lives. I usually pepper my conversations in mentions of their family and wife or partner… This keeps them from thinking I am ‘flirting.’ When a man flirts with me, it is asking about my love life or what plans I have for evenings and weekends. I can ‘see right through them!’ ha ha
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You think men are very transparent, do you, Robin? So what are you doing for the the Super Bowl?
Sorry, you left yourself open for some of the humor side of “Free Advice,” don’t you agree, my friend?
Seriously, married men can be interested in how the social lives of their single women friends are going without it being a sign of impropriety. I also think you can care about the married men’s lives without being ‘Interested’ in anything more than friendship. But, whoops, you didn’t ask! Sorry. Me and my ‘Free Advice’ going wild already.
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I love this periodic feature, Mark! I believe your advice is spot on. And don’t get me started on that dreamy-eyed photo of you (oops–too flirty-wirty, perhaps? 😉 )
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I think your comment is mostly perfect, Jennifer, if you’re asking for my opinion. 🙂 Thanks for your kind words. I’m glad you like the new feature and my logo photo, my friend.
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Great advice Mark, it’s wonderful to read a male perspective on this. I love your picture and the fact that you’ve never had stalking charges brought against you too!
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Ah, my humor hit home as well as my sincerity. 🙂 Thank you for your kind words, my friend. ❤
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Well said Mark.
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Thank you, Paul. Means a lot, coming from a smart man like you.
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Great advice Mark! Couldn’t have said it better myself!
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Thank you, Marissa. My years of living have paid off at last. 🙂
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Great advice. I might have to send you a question myself.
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I’m ready when you are, Mer. Come up with an great anonymous name, of course.
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Of course.
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This is excellent advice, Mark! I couldn’t have said it better myself! The next time I’m in a quandary, I’m certainly going straight to you!
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Thank you, Hollie. I appreciate your support and faith in these matters and look forward to any ways I may be able to lend my years and years of experience. 🙂
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I completely agree with your advice, AbbyChum. Especially the part where you advise her to be who she is and to keep looking if he’s intimidated by her personality. Alone isn’t the end of the world if your only other option is to stifle who one is. You’re the best. This was awesome.
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Thank you, Aud. It is important to remain true to one’s self. Compromise, yes. Overhaul, uh-oh!
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What a pensive gaze….reminds me of Rodin’s “The Thinker.” Great answer, oh wise one. Especially the “lose the flirty-wirty” advice.
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You got what I was going for with my logo gaze, Barbara. 😮
I’m glad you also liked my advice about silly-willy talking.
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Dear Abby–uh, Mark, great post. You really did it. And getting it from a male angle was better than Abby and the all female stuff we’ve always had. Looking forward to more. Yours truly, Hillbilly Lily
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P.S. I do like the photo.
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And thank you for appreciating my column logo of pondering.
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You should ponder more often Mark. It makes you look so……uh,……now what’s the word I’m looking for? Sagacious. That’s the word. My $5 word for the day.
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Wow. I am richer today because of your lovely comment, my dear friend Angie. 🙂
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I did really do it, Hillbilly Lily. I already have one more letter in for a February installment — spoiler alert — but now anonymous puzzled people will send in lots more to markbialczak@gmail.com because of ringing endorsements like this, I hope. The male point of view in advice columns has been lacking, you’ve noticed!
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Oh yes, I have noticed. In fact, I’m not sure there has ever been a male advice column before, so you are bound to succeed. Now I’ll have to think of a question to send in, and another name to sign. I am so needy in the advice area, I will have to think of which one I want to ask about first.
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Fire away. No limits. 🙂 I won’t know who you are, after all.
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i love this. and i agree and can personally vouch for your answer. i waited a long time to find someone who fit and accepted me exactly as i am. so worth it. don’t give up. ever. love this series, mark.
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Thank you so much for taking out the personal stamp and validating my first answer of the series, Beth. Wow. I’m so appreciative.
See that, anonymous word? markbialczak@gmail.com has answers.
Thank you, Beth. 🙂
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Dear Mark Abby, good job! I hope we get to read a bunch more of these posts. Yours truly, Your Avid Reader, ~ PJ
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I hope the anonymous needy people see me as a possible flotation device in this violent ocean of life. Thank you My Avid Reader!
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I’m sure they will. 🙂
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hehehehehe…..Mark Abby…
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Should it have been Abby Mark? 😀 😀 😀
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Ha! Either way, makes me laugh! 🙂
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I know, it is only appropriate don’t you think? 😀
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Absolutely! 🙂
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Great question and wonderful answer, Mark.
Signed,
Marveling in Massachusetts
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I am glad I passed initial muster, Marveling in Massachusetts.
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