Seth MacFarlane misses the mark so badly with Ted 2 that I didn’t know whether I wanted to put my hands over my eyes or my ears. One of each? No, that wouldn’t work.
His sequel to the comedy about the teddy bear that came alive and pals up with Johnny, the boy whose parents bought him for security all those years ago to become a pot-smoking, woman-ogling, beer-drinking, foul-mouthed Boston idiot is …
I hardly know where to start. I did not see the 2012 original, but I did read that it was the 12th-highest grossing film of that year.
Ted the talking bear has proposed to his girlfriend Tami-Lynn, a stereo-typical bombshell without much going on upstairs played just that way by Jessica Barth.
In fact, under the direction of MacFarlane, who also co-wrote with Alec Sulkin and Wellesley Wilds as well as his role as voicing Ted, every single element of Ted 2 is a sweeping generalization.
So we see the bear and the broad at their wedding reception, where two big gay guys are guests. Played by Patrick Warburton and Patrick Dorn, these dudes are crass and sex-driven. Later, when they turn up at Comic Con dressed up as super heroes, they’re bullies and violence-driven.
Anyway, they’re not funny.
Mark Wahlberg plays Johnny, Ted’s best man because he’s his best friend because he was the kid who saw him come to life in the original Ted. Johnny’s morose because his wife left him after just six months.
But he’s still boozing and drugging, but just not dating.
Surprise! Tami-Lynn and Ted are poised to march down that same splitsville road a year later because Ted and Johnny are so damn loyal to each other.
None of this is funny.
But hey, if Ted and Tami-Lynn have a baby … Ted’s not getting any … They couldn’t maneuver any sperm out of Tom Brady. Ted’s got plenty to be the donor. But of course things can’t go smoothly at the bank, oh, what a mess.
Not funny, not funny, really not funny.
Maybe they should adopt. Fill out papers. The government notices Ted. Wait! He’s not human. In comes a rookie lawyer, played by the Amanda Seyfried, who was a really great as a beleaguered daughter in HBO’s Big Love, and is the best thing here as a stoner who falls for Johnny.
But she’s not funny either.
MacFarlane somehow talked Morgan Freeman into a small spot as a semi-interested big-shot attorney who takes Ted’s case later because he’s a bear and really oppressed like so many minorities before him.
He’s not funny. And the racial jokes were lame. Any attempts at compassion — like when the evil Turtle played by the Hasbro janitor played by Giovanni Ribissifell gets short-circuited but with perhaps disastrous results — fall haplessly short.
Gay jokes and racial jokes and class jokes and teddy bear jokes, yeah, there’s room in this world for all of that. But they have to be presented with intelligence. Wit. Purpose. Skill.
We have a candidate for Worst Movie of 2015.
Did you see Ted, and if so, what did you think about making a sequel? Can comedies just be crass? Are you a Seth MacFarlane or Mark Wahlberg fan, and why?