Remembering a daughter and a husband on a grief day

/ April 14, 2014

There’s no shortage of joy in our home here in the Syracuse city neighborhood of Eastwood for my dear wife Karen and I, and Ellie B aka Dogamous Pyle, too. We hope that the happiness with life radiates out to adult children Daryl and Elisabeth as well.

Of course we have our share of pain and troubles and worries about health and jobs and the future, the things you can call the daily struggles of life.

We also experience what I will call grief days.

I’ve never put a label on them before, these times every year that mark a moment in the too-short lives of Danielle Ernest and Kevin Miller.

Danielle was Karen’s daughter, a beautiful young woman who simply passed away in her sleep when she was only 27. That tragedy crushed us six years ago today.

Kevin was Karen’s husband, a sturdy and hard-working man who died from lung cancer when he was only 38. Karen became widowed in 1997.

Awful piled on top of awful.

We try to make it less so, adjust to the reality, go on with our lives while still honoring theirs. We talk about Danielle and Kevin as a matter of course, whenever something reminds Karen of them, or me of Danielle. We fit them into the joy whenever we can.

But on the days that they passed and their birthdays, especially, the mourning and sense of loss is bigger.

Karen will go this morning to where Danielle was put to rest, bring a flower, cry, and miss her terribly and crushingly. I’ve gone with her, but really, she prefers to do this by herself.

This afternoon, we will take a trip together across the New York State Thruway an hour or so to the Waterloo Outlet Mall. It’s become a thing on grief days. We’ll stroll holding hands and shop for big bargains and talk about anything and everything. We’ll get back to our center.

This morning, though, I have decided to write letters to Danielle and Kevin, to deal with my part of the grief.

If you’re reading these words, it means Karen has gone through them first and given her approval. This issue is extremely personal, and she’s a private person.

But I think the mere writing of these will help me.

And perhaps reading them could help a lot of people out there, too, on grief days and every day.

Danielle and Karen in California, the in which both were born. (Photo selected by Karen Bialczak)

Danielle and Karen in California, the state in which both were born. (Photo selected by Karen Miller Bialczak)

Dear Danielle,

We miss you terribly.

Your mother loves and misses you every day. I can see it in her eyes whenever life takes us around women in their young 30s, around the age you would be today.

She’s doing OK. I’m helping the best I can. We got married six months after your passing, and I know that losing you had something to do with her asking me if I wanted to marry her! Really, though, you know that my proposal from years before was open-ended. We eloped to Niagara Falls and tied the knot in City Hall. We thought of you as we called Daryl and Elisabeth to tell them immediately after the ceremony.

They both loved the news. We thought you would have, too.

Daryl is doing great. He’s been happy working at the casino for years now, and he bought a house earlier this year. It’s a lovely home in Canastota, and we’ll think of you when we have the barbecue he’s going to invite us to soon this summer.

I’m hanging in there. I got laid off last year, but I’m completing as much freelance writing as I can and hoping for more opportunity. Your mom has been my rock.

I’m glad I got to talk to you on the phone that night a couple of days before you left us, when you called your mom. Things were looking up.

I went with Daryl and your mom to pick out the clothes you wore for your memorial service. I went back later and bought the same pair of black Converse All-Stars sneakers to remind me of you.

Love,

Mark

Karen and Kevin Miller on their wedding day.

Karen and Kevin Miller on their wedding day. (Photo selected by Karen Miller Bialczak)

Dear Kevin,

Thank you for all the love you obviously gave Karen during your time together.

This is a ticklish situation between you and I. I mean, surely I am sorry that you left her way too soon. On the other hand, it was your passing that allowed me my great years with Karen. You know what I mean. I hope you understand.

I have to tell you that I think I met you once. I’m pretty sure we played horseshoes together once at the company clambake. The thought struck me while Karen was showing me photos of you and reliving good times. We’ve gone to Cape Cod a few times, and she always points out the places you and she enjoyed on your trip there.

I’ve gotten to know your family, too, because they still treat Karen as one of their own.

Your daughter Layla is a beautiful woman, inside and out, and she and your son-in-law Andy invite us to your grandson Reece’s birthday party every summer. You are remembered so well that day. Reece is energetic, athletic, and smart. Your brother Peter and I have a friendship centered around our common love for the Mets. Your dad, Arthur, is a pip as he goes through his 80s. Your brother Mike probably has told you plenty when he joined you up there a couple years ago.

I feel like an honorary family member, and it didn’t have to be that way. It shows me that you were part of some mighty fine stock.

Karen took me to your final resting place one year, and I prayed hard. I prayed for you, and I prayed that I would continue to treat your dear wife Karen as well as you did.

Regards,

Mark

It’s a delicate balance between showing respect for your loved one’s life, remembering the good times and feeling the weight of the loss. Karen and I seem to understand that more every one of our days.

If you think it will help to share how you handle loss and grief, please comment below. If you think you know somebody who could benefit from the thoughts above, please share this with your friends and family.

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52 thoughts on “Remembering a daughter and a husband on a grief day”

  1. Mark, as I read your letters, I remembered the wonderful times I spent with both Danielle from the time she was 6 months old, and with Kevin, I stood up for Karen and Kevins wedding, the tears just streamed down my cheek, missing Karen so much in my life. Her and I spent alot of time together, and made many a memory. Thank You for taking good care of her, she deserves the best and I think she has found that in you.

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  2. Mark–This is lovely, and very brave of you and Karen to post. Thank you for the opportunity to allow us to share in your healing. And welcome aboard eve’s apple 🙂

    mcproco.wordpress.com

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    • It was a while in the making, this post, Marisa. Finally we felt it was time to share, to help ourselves and hopefully others, to heal in the face of this kind of loss.

      And I am glad to join you at eve’s apple.

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  3. Dear Mark. . . . I was so touched by this incredible post and you know that is a world I use for INDIA!! Your words, ideas and life are such a blessing. Thank you from my heart. . . .

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  7. Sometimes you don’t know what to say to express just how much a person or people have meant – this wasn’t one of them. Thank you for sharing this with us and letting us get a glimpse into relationships that meant much to you. Jenni

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  8. My dearest Bro and Karen, I am so lucky to have you both in my life and wish i would of met my step sister I do believe we would of liked and would of grown to love each other. I want to tell you thank you for sharing your mom with my family “the Bialczak’s” we have adopted her as our own and love her deeply. I am so filled with happiness for the love and joy she gives my brother. Karen truly brings out the very best in my brother. He is a different person since he found his soul mate, his lovely wife, my sister-in-law, our lovely Karen. You will always be remembered and honored.Your Mom has not talked to me yet about you or the grief that she feels. Karen I know in time you will share your memories of you great daughter with me. We all have suffered many loses in our lives but we struggle with the bad days and rejoice on the good ones. Our loved ones in heaven are never far from our hearts. Mark this was very endearing and I know it came from your heart. Thank you for your lovely tribute. Your sis Frannie

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  9. Lovely letters, Mark. I know your and Karen’s hearts are hurting on these grief days, but you’ve paid a beautiful tribute to Kevin and Danielle.

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    • Thank you so much for your kind words, Ashley. Karen and I both felt better after letting these feelings and thoughts out into the world. I hope you are well as spring comes and goes …

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  11. I have those people who were far too young in my thoughts. I am so sorry for Karen losing a 27 year old daughter and a husband, too. This seems like such a heavy burden placed upon her, which you have filled the void, the holes but never completely the memories of utter devastation. Remembering them in such a way gives them honor and respect. So Sweet of you, too! The heartfelt letter was wonderful, Mark!

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  12. Mark my sincerest sympathy for the grief you and your dear wife Karen felt at these losses (still). This was an astounding tribute to them. And I believe, BELIEVE, that they know your words. And your love.

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  14. Mark, you are an amazing husband and dad…and MAN! I wish there were more like you. Your letters are beautiful and I just know that Danielle and Kevin are sitting in Heaven together, smiling at the way you treat Karen. I’ve often wondered what it would be like to marry a widower, and I felt that even imagining it, I would likely be jealous of a ghost. But your post and letter have just shown me that it never has to be that way. Bless you and your family today and always! 😀 *HUGS for Karen as well!*

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  17. For you and Karen I will be playing Waterloo Sunset by the Kinks after I finish wiping away my tears and replying to this post. What a beautiful tribute to your loved ones. I’m so glad you have each other.

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    • You have picked a great band and song for today, Sandra. Thank you for bringing the tribute to California. Karen is my California Girl, and Danielle was her California Girl. Your sign of friendship is much appreciated.

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  18. this is amazing stuff, mark. and i know that it never really goes away, i am so sorry for the loss of these two young and vital people, who were obviously much loved. the grief just ebbs and flows as you go through life no matter how long it’s been. i love the letters and the idea of them, and i love how you deal as a couple, as well as individuals with all of these feelings. interesting, we were just talking this weekend, some friends and i, about writing letters to leave behind for our loved ones to read once we are gone. or writing them and reading them out loud to them over the phone or in person, so they know how we feel and who we are when each of you is still around to say and hear it. this post really touched my heart and soul, both, mark. beautiful )

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    • Thank as always for being so simpatico, Beth. These letters and this post have been living in my soul for awhile now. Today I thought both Karen and I were ready.

      I really like the idea that you and your friends have come up with about your letters.

      I hope that this post helps people sort out some very complicated lifetime feelings.

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  20. What a wonderful man you are, Mark. The love and compassion you show for your wife is outstanding. These letters you’ve written is a wonderful way to express your grief and to remember and honor those two wonderful people. I wish you both strength as you continue to find peace in their passing.

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  21. Mark, your Word and letter makes my Eyes tearfull. How Beautiful!
    Im sending you lots of love and energy- and thanks for sharing.
    /anna

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      • I know- I have some dear friends who’ve left too early- and it makes me cry thinking about it…
        But hugs to you my friend across the World!

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  22. Having just sobbed my way through this, I have to say that your letters are remarkably touching and beautifully written. You are clearly an extremely supportive husband and father, and the members of your family are very lucky to have one another.

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